Friday, August 15, 2008

Practically a Hundred


“Joe, Why so blue? You should be happy today.”
“Sorry, hon. I’m just feeling old.”
Don’t worry. I’m just going through a temporary funk. I recently had a birthday. Okay, it was yesterday. The wife surprised me by taking time off from work and knowing me so well, she suggested a day at the beach. We relaxed enjoying the peaceful quiet offered to anyone willing to walk for twenty-five minutes down the shoreline. We find that puts us a safe enough distance away from anyone toting a kid or a boom box. Just us old fogies here!
“So, Joe, you caught up to me again.”
Each year she just can’t wait to say that to me. She is sixty-two days older than me and I relish those sixty-two days while I can say I’m married to an older woman and tease her about her being older than me. On her birthday I said …
“Wow, honey. You’re fifty-seven years old now. How does it feel being that old?”
“Shut-up, stupid. Answer that yourself in a month.”
“Uhm? Excuse me! That’s two months and two days, sweetie!”
I think the mild gloom I’m experiencing is because I’m so close to being sixty. I didn’t mind turning thirty, forty or even fifty, but for some reason being sixty sounds really old. Even the AARP, who has been bugging me for years to join their club, is advising me to hurry up because time is running out.
“Joe, lighten up, we’re really not that old.”
“We’re not?”
As soon as I got home I started up the old “Brain Train” to take a trip down memory lane. “Alllllllllllllll Aboard!”
So here we go. Search on “1951”, the year I said my first word … “Bwaaaaahhh!” Translation … “Hello, I’m practically, Joe.” Mom and dad hadn’t named me yet.
(Click.) Oh God! I arrived before hair spray, frozen foods, credit cards, ballpoint pens, radar and digital clocks.
Here's a link to 1950's phrases. (Click.)
When I was a kid we spoke a whole different language from kids today. Here are a couple of examples.
2008: “Wa’sup dawg? Lets chill at your crib with those crazy-ass biaches yo! Aight?”
1951: “Hey daddy-o. Let’s find some hip chicks and go to your pad.”
2008: “I’ll take my 45 and put a cap in your ass!”
1951: It doesn’t even translate. A 45 was a vinyl record. We did, however, play cowboys and Indians with cap guns but with pretend horses not donkeys.
(Click.) Hmmm … here’s a site explaining how the moral values of people living back in the fifties differ from today. It says here that most couples back then didn’t live together until after they got married. Society provided children with a happier childhood, producing happier children who in the process became more responsible adults. And, authority was respected and appreciated; this included the police, presidents, and teachers. Can we state in fact that here, in 2008, we have progressed? It was like another world back then.
Crap! This is bringing me down again. Quick, let's click on that link. (Click.)
Wow! A gallon of gasoline was only twenty-five cents and a Chevy Coupe sold for $600. Yearly salaries averaged less than $3000. Cigarettes were twenty cents a pack. Nobody knew the dangers of smoking. Pantyhose weren’t invented. Women wore silk stockings with garter belts. (Click.) Hmmm … what do we have here?“I see you’re feeling better, Joe.”
”Oops!” *Startled … Brain Train comes to screeching halt! (Click. Click.)
“Hon, really, blogging keeps me feeling young.”

18 comments:

Noah said...

Happy Belated Birthday!

You're the same age as my mom!

I'm not helping, am I? I'll go away now...

Seriously, though...best wishes. :)

Midleah said...

Oops...that's me up there..I was checking Kiddo's account.

Jay said...

Joe, you're depressing me. I'm not that far behind you, and silk stockings do absolutely nothing for me! Neither would men's underwear from 1951, I'm sure.

I'm in a lose-lose situation here!

Happy belated birthday! ;)

MJ said...

Are you up for some back seat bingo?

nursemyra said...

hey happy birthday for yesterday joe x

Malicious Intent said...

damnit, I left another comment that poofed again and I forgot what I was saying.

OH yeah, wait. Um, my husband is 32and I am 38 (well 39 next month) and I just wanted to rub that in.

:)

Happy Birthday!

Frogs in my formula said...

Happy birthday. If legs and ladies can cheer you up it's not that serious...when you look at legs and ladies and don't know what the hell they are? Now that's a problem...

Heather said...

Happy Belated Birthday Joe! I am older than my husband (by 9 months) so I always tease him on his birthday about how old he is because we are the same age for 3 months. My ma was born in 1950 and dad in 1946. So there are still people older than you. In fact, my dad just started getting his social security this year. That's what is going to make you feel old.

Malicious Intent said...

Ok, not only did I leave a comment and it poofed, but the bitch fest about loosing the comment came up twice. I protest this unjust posting...uh stuff!

catscratch said...

In my best Marylin Monroe voice...

Haaaappy Birrrthday to youuuu,

Haaaappy Birrrthday to youuuuuu,

Haaaappy Birrrthay, Practicallly Joeeeewooooo,

Haaaappy Birrrthday to youuuuuu.

moooooog35 said...

Happy Birthday, dude.

I mean, sir.

Mine is coming up next week...my big 4-0...which is depressing.

On the bright side, though, I'm not nearly as close to death as you are.

Thanks for the pick-me-up!

Slick said...

Happy belated birthday Joe.

I, for one, don't think you're old. I mean, ball point pens are fairly knew.

Right?

I've seen them lying around since I've been born but, you know...

Slick said...

New, I meant. Not "knew".

I'm such a dumbass. No where near as wise as you, sir. :)

The W.O.W. factor said...

I stumbled here somehow...OMG! I am LOL! I can definetly relate! Love the "almost 100"...yet I think about it like m only 1/2 to the end!Happy B-day!

Robyn said...

Happy B-Day! And really your not that old...pops! LMAO!
Come and read all about PART II of mystery trip! And there will be a PART III as well (our eating pleasure)! LOL! Thanks for stopping by! It was lovely to see you there!
Hugs,
Robyn

Practically Joe said...

Noah: “You're the same age as my mom!”
Me: Well, Noah … That puts you right about up there with my 30-year-old kids … You’re catching up. (Thanks for the B-Day wish)

Midleah: ”Oops...that's me up there. I was checking Kiddo's (Noah’s) account.”
Me: So … you’re as old as me? Your mom is as old as me?
Midleah … I’m old enough don’t make me look senile.

Jay: ”Joe, you're depressing me. I'm not that far behind you.”
Me: Yep, I admit, the view is a bit depressing from back there. I gotta start working out. (Thanks for the B-Day wish)

MJ: ”Are you up for some back seat bingo?”
Me: Let’s you and I “B1” … “B4” … I can say ”Geeeee 60?”

Nursemyra: “hey happy birthday for yesterday joe x”
Me: oh! An x from you … Best gift ever!

Malicious: ”Um, my husband is 32and I am 38 (well 39 next month) and I just wanted to rub that in.”
Me: Hmmm … Rub that in? Please … less wit and more Ben Gaye please. (Thanks for the B-Day wish)

frogs in my formula: ”If legs and ladies can cheer you up it's not that serious...when you look at legs and ladies and don't know what the hell they are? Now that's a problem...”
Me: I hope I’m very, very far from that. (Thanks for the B-Day wish)

Heather: ”My ma was born in 1950 and dad in 1946. So there are still people older than you.
Me: Are you trying to hook us up? My wife and I like to play bridge. Does your mom and dad play bridge? (Thanks for the B-Day wish)

Catscratch: ”In my best Marylin Monroe voice... Haaaappy Birrrthday to youuuu …”
Me: Awesome rendition… Now … If you stand over an air vent while singing that again I would be able to picture your skirt blowing upward. Nevermind … no need … I pictured it anyway. (Thanks for the B-Day wish)

Moooooo35: ”Mine is coming up next week...my big 4-0...which is depressing.
On the bright side, though, I'm not nearly as close to death as you are.
Thanks for the pick-me-up!”

Me: Glad I can help ... 4-0? Isn’t that your height? (Dude! Thanks for the B-Day wish)

Slick: ”I, for one, don't think you're old. I mean, ball point pens are fairly knew. Right?”
Me: “Write” would have been more appropriate. Didn’t have keyboards back then. (Thanks for the B-Day wish)
Slick: ”New, I meant. Not "knew". I'm such a dumbass. No where near as wise as you, sir. :)”
Me: knot two worry … I new that!

The w.o.w. factor: ”I stumbled here somehow...OMG! I am LOL!”
Me: Hmmm … maybe time for a walker or cane. Welcome. And thanks for the b-day wish.

Robyn: ”Happy B-Day! And really your not that old...pops! LMAO!”
Me: I’m not? Ooops … pops goes the hip joint! (Thanks for the B-Day wish)

Malicious Intent said...

Who is Ben Gay???

Bee said...

Your blog is cute. I like the dialog between you and your wife. You had me going concerning the photoshop comment. Especially since I do have a birthmark on my right thigh. Talk about scaring me to death!!