Thursday, October 30, 2008

Questioning Tourists

“Hello, welcome to our restaurant. Would you like a table for two?”
“Oh, I was wondering if we could ask you a question.”
“Sure. My name is Joe. How can I help you?”
"Well, first of all, may my wife use your restroom?
“Certainly. Miss … it’s straight down on your left.”
“Go ahead Judith, I’ll be right here waiting for you. So … Joe, is it?”
“Yes sir. That’s correct. I’m Joe.”
"Yes, so can you tell me … back in 1692, were there any twin witches?"
“I’m sorry sir, I don’t know the answer to that. Why do you ask?”
“Well, Joe, because I was thinking if there were twin witches back then, they wouldn't have been able to tell which witch was which.”
“Ah … that’s very funny sir. You got me.”
“Oh good, here comes my wife. One other question?”
“Sure. Why not? Go ahead.”
“May I also use your restroom?”
“No you may not! Ha! Just kidding! Go ahead.”

Now the wife …
“Thank you, mister Joe. Did my husband tell you his stupid twin witch joke?”
“Well, yes miss, he did. He is quite the jokester.”
“I hate that he jokes about such things.”
“So you know the seriousness of it all?”
“Well, yes Joe, I do. I’ve read a lot about the subject.”
“Have you?”
“I have. Do you know researchers have found a common link while studying the intelligence of the Salem witches?
“No miss, I don’t think I’ve ever read anything like that.”
“It’s true … They were all good spellers.”
“Oh, here comes my husband. Well, thanks again, Joe. Buh-bye!”
“Hey! Wait! You haven’t even looked at our menu!”
Freakin’ tourists!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Bee's Musings Photo Post

Bee from Bee's Musings sent out a request.
The idea is to post a picture I decided not to use on a post.
This was close to halloween so I tucked the picture between some October posts.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Scary Bikers

Guess where the 2008 MDA Halloween Motorcycle Run ran through...
That's right! Salem Massachusetts.
Our restaurant was packed with bikers.
The last time I saw that much leather was at a Dominatrix party back in the summer of 1973.
Here are a few pics of those in attendance.

Me Yelling: "Hey! Where's your buccaneers?"
Him Yelling Back: "Under my buccan helmet jerk-off!"

These poor bikers never finished.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

In Our Bedroom

“Alright honey, before you come into the bedroom I want you to close your eyes and don’t peek.”
“Joe, I’m so excited. My eyes are closed. Am I close enough yet?”
“Yes dear, two more steps. Good. Now keep your eyes closed. I want you to feel it first.”
"Okay Joe. Guide my hand. I promise not to peek … Oh my!"
“Well, how does it feel? Press down on it if you like.”
“Wow, Joe, it’s really hard. It’s not like it was before.”
“I would say everything in the ad was true. It should stay hard for a long time. Are you ready to open your eyes to see it?”
"Yes, can I open them now?"
“Sure, go ahead and open them now … Ta-Da!”
“Joe, it looks really big. It definitely seems bigger.”
“Well hon, you’ll surely be sitting a bit higher than you did before.”
“Joe, I can’t wait until tonight. I want to get on it now.”
“Sweetie, you don’t have to wait. Climb right on top of it and try it out.”
“OMG, This feels unbelievable! I love it!”
“I agree honey, this feels fantastic.”
“Joe, I want to try it on my side and on my stomach.”
“Of course sweetie, any positions you want.”
“Joe, I’m really glad we saw that Sleepy's ad.”
“Me too, honey. Me too.”

We just love our new Simmons Beautyrest Firm Plush Mattress.
Thank you Christopher Columbus for generating that half-price sale.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

No Glass

My wife is very much set in her ways.
Whenever she feels like a beer ... her request is always the same.
"I'll have a Bud Light bottle ... ah ... and no glass"
Why won't she take the damn glass?
Why must she insist on drinking from the bottle?
Why always Bud Light?

Where I work ... we sell only our own brewed beers.
We go there for dinner.
"I'll have a Bud Light bottle ... ah ... and no glass."
Jeeeezus! Is she kidding me?
"Honey ... We make our own beer here."
"Then I'll have whatever is close to a Bud Light bottle ... ah ... and no glass."
"Honey ... all the beers are on tap ... there are no bottles."
She gets upset and angry.
"Then I guess I'll have some friggin' wine! WTH! ... ah ... and no glass."

Monday, October 6, 2008

Zombies for Dinner

“Hello. And how are you guys doing today?”
“We’re dying to eat. Do you serve zombies?”
“No, I’m sorry. But we do serve burgers and pizza.”
So, it's begun ... October in Salem, Massachusetts. Yesterday more than a hundred zombies walked the streets of Salem.
What’s next?
Well, while witches are certainly not uncommon in Salem ...
Yesterday … zombies.
Tomorrow ... vampires and goblins and ghosts, oh my!

Peter, one of our waiters, making friends with zombies.

Looks like more to come ...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Feeling Lucky

“Hello handsome. Where ya goin'?”
“Huh? Do I know you?”
“Ya buyin’ me somethin’ good?”
“I’m sorry. I really don’t think we know each other.”
So, I stopped to get gas on my way home from work … I went into the mini-mart because I was feelin’ lucky. I’m standing by the newspaper racks, coin in one hand and a Lottery Scratch Ticket in the other. As I wished for a million, I began to scratch. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn around … and there she is.

“Oh baby, don’t you remember me?”
I stepped back, looked at her intently … but … nothing.
“Sorry. I don’t. What’s your name?”
“What’s my name? Ooooo baby … I really like you. Buy me somethin'.”
I look around. What the hell is this? Is she putting me on?
Something’s not right. I detected a faint smell of alcohol. I know it wasn’t from me. Maybe she’s drunk?
“Lady, you okay? I’m sure we don’t know each other. You must have me mixed up with someone else.”
“No, baby. I know you. Let’s go out.”
First of all she wasn’t my type. I don’t even have a type. My wife won’t let me have a type. And … Go out? Go out where?
“Listen. I don’t know you, and I can’t go out. I have to go home.”
“Okay, baby. Let’s go home. We can have some fun. I like you. Buy me somethin’.”

What the hell does she want me to buy her?
She wants to come home with me?
Yeah, that'll go over big.
”Look who I brought home honey.”
“I don’t know … but she likes me.”

Now, I’m looking for the store clerk who is busy with a customer. As soon as he was free I walked over to him with my admirer close behind. I stop … She bumps up against me grabbing my arm. I wiggle away giving her a stern look.
She doesn’t seem to mind.
“Sir, do you know this woman?”
He looks at me without answering and just shrugs his shoulders.
Then she steps forward and says to the clerk …
“He’s my baby, ain’t he cute? We’re going home now after he buys me somethin’ … ain’t that right baby?”
The clerk looks back at me again … and again … shrugs his shoulders. I return the shrug and then turn to my new friend and say …
“Yeah baby! That’s right … Now go pick out whatever you want.”
She looks at me ever so lovingly and says …
“Okay baby. Now you wait right here. I’ll be right back.”
She headed down one of the aisles.
I headed out the door.
As I pulled out of the station I looked back inside.
She was talking to the clerk …
He was shrugging his shoulders.

Ironically … This all happened because I was feeling lucky.
And … No … I didn’t win anything.