Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Feeling Lucky


“Hello handsome. Where ya goin'?”
“Huh? Do I know you?”
“Ya buyin’ me somethin’ good?”
“I’m sorry. I really don’t think we know each other.”
So, I stopped to get gas on my way home from work … I went into the mini-mart because I was feelin’ lucky. I’m standing by the newspaper racks, coin in one hand and a Lottery Scratch Ticket in the other. As I wished for a million, I began to scratch. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn around … and there she is.

“Oh baby, don’t you remember me?”
I stepped back, looked at her intently … but … nothing.
“Sorry. I don’t. What’s your name?”
“What’s my name? Ooooo baby … I really like you. Buy me somethin'.”
I look around. What the hell is this? Is she putting me on?
Something’s not right. I detected a faint smell of alcohol. I know it wasn’t from me. Maybe she’s drunk?
“Lady, you okay? I’m sure we don’t know each other. You must have me mixed up with someone else.”
“No, baby. I know you. Let’s go out.”
First of all she wasn’t my type. I don’t even have a type. My wife won’t let me have a type. And … Go out? Go out where?
“Listen. I don’t know you, and I can’t go out. I have to go home.”
“Okay, baby. Let’s go home. We can have some fun. I like you. Buy me somethin’.”

What the hell does she want me to buy her?
She wants to come home with me?
Yeah, that'll go over big.
”Look who I brought home honey.”
“Who?”
“I don’t know … but she likes me.”


Now, I’m looking for the store clerk who is busy with a customer. As soon as he was free I walked over to him with my admirer close behind. I stop … She bumps up against me grabbing my arm. I wiggle away giving her a stern look.
She doesn’t seem to mind.
“Sir, do you know this woman?”
He looks at me without answering and just shrugs his shoulders.
Then she steps forward and says to the clerk …
“He’s my baby, ain’t he cute? We’re going home now after he buys me somethin’ … ain’t that right baby?”
The clerk looks back at me again … and again … shrugs his shoulders. I return the shrug and then turn to my new friend and say …
“Yeah baby! That’s right … Now go pick out whatever you want.”
She looks at me ever so lovingly and says …
“Okay baby. Now you wait right here. I’ll be right back.”
She headed down one of the aisles.
I headed out the door.
As I pulled out of the station I looked back inside.
She was talking to the clerk …
He was shrugging his shoulders.

Ironically … This all happened because I was feeling lucky.
And … No … I didn’t win anything.

25 comments:

Midleah said...

Ahhhh...your first Creepy Gas Station Prostitute encounter.

You are truly blessed.

Not a Granny said...

So, did the ticket win anything?

Heather said...

That's why I never go inside the gas station. I always pay at the pump since the one time I went inside while my husband was pumping the gas. The cashier was telling me how totally cute my hubby was. The cashier was a guy.

nursemyra said...

ok so you didn't get lucky at the gas station. but did you get lucky later at home?

just a girl... said...

weird, but I do love that you love pelligrino

MJ said...

I bet that happens to you all the time.

Dolce said...

I wonder if the clerk got lucky. I can't help but wonder what your wife's reaction would be.

just bob said...

Cool... a lot lizard. You should have bought her condoms and mouthwash.

Practically Joe said...

midleah: "Ahhhh...your first Creepy Gas Station Prostitute encounter. You are truly blessed."
me: Prostitute? Really? Nah! Wait ... ???

not a granny: "So, did the ticket win anything?"
me: Nope ... Her and I ... We both lost.

heather: "I went inside while my husband was pumping the gas. The cashier was telling me how totally cute my hubby was. The cashier was a guy."
me: Well??? Was he right? Is he totally cute?

nursie: "ok so you didn't get lucky at the gas station. but did you get lucky later at home?"
me: Yes I did ... I was lucky my wife didn't have a fit when I told her the story.

just a girl: "weird, but I do love that you love pelligrino"
just me: you have a keen eye, my dear. And ... I do love that you love that I love Pelligrino.

mj: "I bet that happens to you all the time."
me: You are right ... I never win scratching those damn tickets.

dolce: "I can't help but wonder what your wife's reaction would be."
me: At first she laughed. Then came the questions. 45 minutes later she said ... "don't do it again!" ... WTF???

just bob: "You should have bought her condoms and mouthwash."
just me: yeah ... that's what I needed to do ... encourage her.
You're no "Dear Abbey".

M@ said...

that left me feeling a little dirty. I think i'll go wash my hands now. EWWW!

scarlet-blue said...

So you just left me there babes? How could you? Are you going to buy me something now?
SXXXXXX

xyu95 said...

I heard that she was drinking at the BEER WORKS and fell for the manager.

nursemyra said...

still laughing at scarlet-blue's comment

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I don't let my husband have a type, either.

April said...

I don't even know what to say. Gross? I feel a little sick now. That's ten times worse than the Sonic girl who hits on my husband every day. Ick.

Mike said...

You know you really should find a type (like your wife) so that when this happens again, and it will, you'll know what to do...

Practically Joe said...

m@: "that left me feeling a little dirty. I think i'll go wash my hands now. EWWW!"
me: How about me? She touched my arm.

scarlet-blue: "So you just left me there babes? How could you? Are you going to buy me something now?"
me: Sorry honey ... you scared me a little. Let me buy you a coffee. Meet me at Starbucks in an hour.

xyu95: "I heard that she was drinking at the BEER WORKS and fell for the manager."
me: That was a different woman and a story for another time.

subcorrespondent: "I don't let my husband have a type, either."
me: None of us should be shackled with limits ... your hubby told me to say that.

april: "That's ten times worse than the Sonic girl who hits on my husband every day. Ick."
me: Well ... you two do spend a lot of time at Sonic.

mike: "You know you really should find a type (like your wife) so that when this happens again, and it will, you'll know what to do..."
me: Hmmmm ... never thought of that ... my wife's my type.
Thanks. You're like Dr. Phil.

Bogart in P Towne said...

You could have gotten some practical lov'n...

and come down with Practically Anything...

Good choice.

Practically Joe said...

bogart: "You could have gotten some practical lov'n... and come down with Practically Anything..."
me: I'm practically responsible ...
the noun not the verb.

catscratch said...

Talked like a hooker. I'd have ran away too.

WILLIAM said...

Very Funny yet weird story.

Anonymous said...

I could have bought her a wiffle ball bat and then beat the snot out of her with it.

Practically Joe said...

catscratch: "Talked like a hooker. I'd have ran away too."
me: Great minds think alike.

William: Very Funny yet weird story."
Me: Such is my life.

anon: "I could have bought her a wiffle ball bat and then beat the snot out of her with it."
me: She might have liked that.

Good Burp said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Good Burp said...

Is it wrong that I am laughing?

I think you should have bought a dozen bottles of Purel to sanitize yourself as soon as you made your escape.