Monday, November 3, 2008

Relationship Guru

"Joe, can I ask your opinion on something?"
Recently a female friend of mine was having a bit of trouble understanding the man in her life. After discussing the situation with her female friends she discovered nothing new or helpful. Rather than just giving up, she felt it wise to consult a male friend for a different perspective.
I happened to be in the vicinity.
"Joe, I want you to be honest with me."
At this point I’m wondering if she realizes that what I have to offer is practically wisdom, (not quite wisdom … but practically wisdom).
Even with that in mind, I still agreed to answer her questions "honestly".
"Joe, How do I know if I'm the one for him?"
“Well, he's tolerated you so far, right?”
"Joe, How do I best care for him?"
“A little bit better than you would care for a kitten, puppy or your shoe collection.”
"No, Joe, I mean how do I get him to take better care of himself?"
“You can’t. Something has to hurt enough for him to care.”
"Joe, how do I know what he really wants?"
“It’s best to just ask him. But whatever he answers don’t believe him … Unless he says he wants either more sex or less questions.”
"Joe, how do I get his attention?"
“My wife usually hides the remote, grabs the mouse, calls my cell phone or just yells at me.”
"Joe, how do I get him to think about the future?"
"Marry him. He’ll certainly start contemplating the future. Be aware though, he will be worrying about it."
"Joe, how do I really know if he’s the one?"
"Well? Can you tolerate him?"
"Joe, is it possible you’re right?"
"Anything is possible when you don’t know what you’re talking about."
"Joe, I’m glad we had this conversation. Thank you."
"Oh, please! Don’t mention it. I mean it ... to anyone."

19 comments:

Mike said...

You and I are cut from the same cloth. I would have answered just a you have, only more vague. Having all these girls in my house makes me numb to these types of questions...

nursemyra said...

"more sex and less questions"... I totally get that

Ken said...

And I don't know if thery were right or wrong, but I think I have yried anwering the same questions with the same answers...lol

But I have 2 ex's also

beeeeeeeee said...

She's *so* lucky to have your advice!

MadWoman said...

Who needs a therapist when they have you eh?

xyu95 said...

she gave me a headache.

Practically Joe said...

mike: "You and I are cut from the same cloth. I would have answered just as you have, only more vague."
me: It's difficult to be vague and honest ... But I'll work on it.

nursemyra: "more sex and less questions"... I totally get that."
me: Nursie ... you are as close to perfect as they come!

ken: "I don't know if they were right or wrong, but I think I have tried anwering the same questions with the same answers ... but I have two xs"
me: if great minds think alike ... I must be in trouble.

beeeeeeeee: "She's *so* lucky to have your advice!"
meeeeeeeee: I'm sorry but your sincerity is not shining through.

madwoman: "Who needs a therapist when they have you eh?"
me: Hmmmm? I'm practically a therspist ... take a seat on my couch.

xyu95: "she gave me a headache."
me: well ... this is work only for us who are cut out to do it.
DO NOT TRY THIS ON YOUR OWN!

kylie said...

hmmmmmm
i think there was some wisdom in there somewhere

Deb said...

Since Dear Abby is dead, you could be Dear Practically Wise Joe. I think you would do quite well!

Bogart in P Towne said...

Nothing like the round and round about relationships!

VE said...

I think you've found your calling!

Practically Joe said...

kylie: "i think there was some wisdom in there somewhere"
me: I hope you're right.

deb: "Since Dear Abby is dead, you could be Dear Practically Wise Joe. I think you would do quite well!"
me: Yeah ... you may have something there ... that sort of rolls of the tongue doesn't it.

bogart: "Nothing like the round and round about relationships!"
me: I do like to dance.

ve: "I think you've found your calling!
me: You may be right ... but so far nobody else is calling.

scarlet-blue said...

"Joe, How do I best care for him?"
“A little bit better than you would care for your shoe collection.”

Shoes first! Honestly....
Sx

Frogs in my formula said...

Joe, you're so wise. Will you be my date for my high school reunion?

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

I don't understand you told me that you didn't what me to mention this conversation? LOL!
Sounds like you have had a conversation with me or any woman I should say!

RhondaLue said...

I like how your wife grabs your attention. I'll have to try hiding remotes and mouses!

Queen Goob said...

No, no, no.....stand in front of the TV during Monday night football.

That works for me.

OR, grab him a beer but make him llok at you when he grabs it. It's all about eye contact, Joe.

Practically Joe said...

Scarlet-blue: "Shoes first! Honestly...."
Me: You're right. What was I thinking.

frogs: "Joe, you're so wise. Will you be my date for my high school reunion?"
me: I would be honored. What shall we tell your old classmates?
I'm a doctor?... I'm a big game hunter? ... Rocket Scientist? Famous Blogger? Indian Chief?
Let's have some fun! When is it?

Diva: "I don't understand you told me that you didn't what me to mention this conversation?"
Me: Sorry ... I didn't think you would visit and read this ... please forgive me.

rondalue: "I like how your wife grabs your attention."
me: oh ... I haven't told you the other thousands of ways she grabs my attention.
Stay tuned ...

queen goob: "I grab him a beer but make him look at me when he grabs it. It's all about eye contact, Joe."
me: Oh queenie you can be cruel and devious ... please no chats with my wife thank you

Braja said...

I hope that if no one is appreciating this, you're at least getting paid for it :)) I found you on black box and god i love that thing. So hit me back: not literally, that's blog talk for come and see mine... :)