Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I'm a Hoodlum and a Perp

Rushing around. Trying to get things done.
I had a list of things to do and I wanted to get back in time for Jerry Springer.

It was single digit weather. You know it’s cold when dogs are freezing to fire hydrants. I was prepared. I am, after all, a New Englander.
But that was fairly obvious, by the Red Sox cap on my head and the Patriots hooded sweatshirt zipped up keeping me snug and warm.
To keep warm in such weather you need to dress in layers. I’m sure you’ve heard that before. It’s true, as I always do with such statements; I checked its validity on Snopes.com.

So … under my hooded sweatshirt was a long sleeve denim shirt, over a short sleeved t-shirt, which was over a long sleeve t-shirt, which was covering all I really needed which was the 30 pounds of genuine Italian chest and back fur I usually carry around with me.

No wonder I got more than the normal amount of stares from my fellow shoppers at the supermarket. I must have looked like the Unabomber with my hood up and my bulky sweatshirt stuffed with layers of clothes. And now that I’m thinking about it, it kind of explains why people were going out of their way to avoid my shopping cart as I barreled down the aisles at six APM* instead of my usual two APM. (*Aisle Per Minute). I had not one carriage bump: although I did clip a few people at their heels.

“OUCH! Slow down!”
“Oops! Sorry sir.”
“OWWWW! WTF!”
“Oops! My bad, mamm.”
“Yeeeeowww! Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo! Mommy, mommy!”
“Oops! Sorry kid.”

So … I have two errands left … the dry cleaners and the bank.
I park the car, grab the bag of dirty clothes and run down the sidewalk.
I open the door to the drycleaners … chuck my bag in … and say …
“Marie,Imgoingnextdoortothebank. I’llbebackintwominutestopickupmycleanclothes.”
Shhhhhwoooooosh!
“Marie, what was that? I couldn’t make out who it was.”
“I’m not sure, Sue. According to the label on the bag it was Joe.”

I enter the bank and quickly take my place in line.
I check my watch … Ten minutes to Springer.
“Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” … I think to myself.
Then came the poke in my back.
“Crap! It’s a hold up.”
“You want to remove your sunglasses.” … It was a statement more than a question … I ignored it.
Another poke … only harder …
“I said, remove your sunglasses … and the hood.”
I turn to face an old man, easily in his eighties.
“Sir, they’re called ‘Transitions’ … They’re not sunglasses.”
“Don’t take that tone with me young fella. Now, take off the hood, hat and glasses!”
“Sir, if I take off the glasses I can’t see.”
“That’s it! Let me see some ID!”
“Huh? Wha? … No sir … let me see YOUR ID!”

Then came the manager …
“Okay. Okay, gentlemen. Let’s take a breath. Mr. Sampson, is something wrong?”
“Is something wrong? Why yes, there’s something wrong. This perp won’t take off his disguise.”
“Joe, would you please pull down your hood and remove your cap for the retired Sergeant Sampson?”
“Ahm … sure … okay … sorry about that.”
“There’s something fishy about this hoodlum. He was wearing sunglasses a minute ago.”
“Sergeant, sir, I told you they’re ‘Transitions’! They’re the same glasses!”
“Joe, please, window two, it’s your turn.”
“Next time obey the signs or I’ll bring you in.”
“Yea … whatever!”
“Uh, Mr. Sampson, please, way down this end, window six will take you.”

Back at the cleaners …
“Hey, I’m back to pick up my clothes.”
“Oh, Joe. It was you. You were so quick before. We didn’t know who it was with the hood, hat and sunglasses.”
“OMG! They’re ‘Transitions! Not sunglasses … oh … never mind. Bye!”

“Sue? Is it me, or was Joe just not his usual happy-go-lucky self today?
“You’re right, Marie. He did seem a bit upset … but his glasses were kind of cool.”

39 comments:

MadWoman said...

Obviously your craving for Jerry brings out the worst in you and your sunglasses.

My bad....transitions.

Queen Goob said...

Joe....you so could have TOTALLY taken Sampson, grabbed your dry cleaning and made it home in time for Steve Wilkos....wait, that's Jerry's bodyguard....ah heck, you could have taken him, too!

just bob said...

How does any of this relate to Dunkin' Donuts?

Practically Joe said...

MadWoman: "Obviously your craving for Jerry brings out the worst in you and your sunglasses. My bad....transitions."
Me: Jerry does have that influence on me.

Queen Goob: "Joe....you so could have TOTALLY taken Sampson"
Me: He did seem to want duke it out.

just bob: "How does any of this relate to Dunkin' Donuts?"
just me: Bob ... I'm Dunkin' Donuts free when I roll without the mrs.

Malach the Merciless said...

You should of fiddle around in your pockets, that would of settled retiree bank cop down.

Megan said...

I see you were rolling "OG" today...

Practically Joe said...

Malach: "You should of fiddle around in your pockets, that would of settled retiree bank cop down."
Me: If I fiddled in my pockets he would have wanted to bring me in for a whole different reason.

Megan: "I see you were rolling "OG" today..."
Me: I ain't no weak-ass honky ... I've been the OG way before Ice-T.

nursemyra said...

your transitions must be taking a long time to transit if people keep mistaking them for sunglasses

xyu95 said...

Joe, try an atm next time.i cant picture you with a red sox cap.

KaraBeagle said...

Okay, I'm a West-coaster with a life...could you define a few terms for me?

OG?
Jerry Springer --wait, that's TV right? as in Daytime TV...the stuff only people on welfare watch--for social edification, no doubt?

Well, we had some excitement in our little town the other night. I'll make it shorter than I normally would, becuase I know you probably need to get back for some mindless TV show...So it might not be as funny as it COULD be.

I was in Safeway the other night (you know, the ONLY and BIGGEST grocery store in our little town). As I was going through the checkout lane (I think there might actually be NINE of them in this giant store), I heard a child crying in the checkout lane next to me. He has lost his helium-filled balloon and it has drifted up to the ceiling. My checker directed another employee to get the "balloon stick" (long pole with wadded ball of tape on the end) from floral. Meanwhile the child's crying escalates "It's gonna POP!!" amid reassurances that someone would rescue the balloon. Of course, the balloon rescuer succeeds in actually popping the balloon, which is high overheand and so loud it sounds like a gunshot, at which point the child's screaming escalates to call-the-paramedics proportion. Without much delay, the ever-level-headed manager gets on the PA and says, "Not to worry, folks, that was just a balloon popping." and right on cue, from somewhere over by floral ANOTHER balloon pops (likely the mate of the one just deceased), and without missing a beat, the manager announces, "And another balloon..."

Meanwhile the rest of us are feeling the pain of the balloonless child and laughing at the same time. And THAT, folks, is an exciting day in MY little town!!

Ken said...

They should of locked ya up! It would of made a greast story, more at 11 back to you Joe.

Bonnie said...

So was Jerry worth it?

Mike said...

God, is Springer still on the air? Maybe you should have shown the cop your chest and back hair to prove it was you. Only you'd go that far...

Malicious Intent said...

If you had just explained "Jerry Springer in 10 minutes" they would have all understood...no doubt.
Fresh muskrat at my place, get it while it's hot.

Bogart in P Towne said...

You know, guys like you do well in the klink.

scarlet-blue said...

I love dressing up in disguise... anyhow, Off-topic: Apologies Joe.. your feed isn't updating on my blogrol.
Sx

KaraBeagle said...

They just did an article on the news last night (the local news, I;m pretty sure they don't read your blog) about "dress codes" in banks and stores now. They are actually posting notices on the doors that hats, hoods and dark glasses must be removed.

hnter1018 said...

Hey Joe...seems we are in the same neck of of the woods. i work in Danvers. I knew you were from around here when I saw your comment on Just Bbs site mentioning DD's and the GB.

Which restaurant do you manage

Heather said...

My husband goes outside in single digit temps with a short sleeved dress shirt, and a very thin hoodie. Period. He drives me nuts, I hate it so much. I'm going to have to drug him, and drive to Florida as fast as I can.

Malicious Intent said...

P.S. you got plugged in tonight's post.

You're welcome.

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Ken: "They should of locked ya up! It would of made a greast story, more at 11 back to you Joe."
Me: Thanks. That was Ken our roving reporter. We'll be back with the weather after these brief messages.

Bonnie: "So was Jerry worth it?"
Me: I never watched it. I went right into blogging mode as soon as I got home while the story was still fresh.

Mike: "Maybe you should have shown the cop your chest and back hair to prove it was you."
Me: Only my close friends would recognize me that way ... well them and everyone on the beach, at the pool and everyone who saw me run across the field at a BC football game. (don't ask)

Malicious Intent: "Fresh muskrat at my place, get it while it's hot."
Me: Oh ... no thanks ... I just ate.

Bogart: "You know, guys like you do well in the klink.
Me: Really? I don't think I look good in stripes.

Practically Joe said...

scarlet-blue: "I love dressing up in disguise... anyhow, Off-topic: Apologies Joe.. your feed isn't updating on my blogrol."
me: Scarlet ... you need to come visit Salem during Halloween.
Off-topic: Feed should work fine on my next post ... thanks for the heads-up.

KaraBeagle: "They are actually posting notices on the doors that hats, hoods and dark glasses must be removed."
Me: For Heaven's sakes! They're Transitions!
Sorry couldn't help myself.
Oh ... that must be the sign Mr. Sampson kept pointing at while I thought he was pointing to the door to show me the way out.

hnter1018: "I knew you were from around here when I saw your comment on Just Bbs site mentioning DD's and the GB."
me: Welcome hunter ... thanks for stopping by. I'm in Peabody and I manage the Salem Beer Works. Stop in some time.

Heather: "My husband goes outside in single digit temps with a short sleeved dress shirt, and a very thin hoodie."
me: He must be as hairy as I am, right?

Malicious Intent: "P.S. you got plugged in tonight's post."
Me: Oh goody! Thanks MI ... can't wait to check it out ... anyone like to come along?
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Along said...

Hahahha...hilarious. I'm gonna get me some transition lenses because it's cheaper than getting new sunglasses with power. I hope I don't get wrestled to the floor by some retired cop when I go to the bank. Heee..

WILLIAM said...

You were called a perp...that is awesome.

KaraBeagle said...

You know, transitions are pretty much useless in the Pacific Northwest...unless you live on the EAST side of the mountains. Those few days in the summer (and the one day in the winter) when the sun actually comes out, a baseball cap suffices.

Practically Joe said...

along: "Hahahha...hilarious. I'm gonna get me some transition lenses"
me: Be careful ... during a meeting at work I excused myself for a moment to run out side to get something I left in the car ... when I returned my boss asked ...
"Were you just outside?"
I said ... "No, of course not."
He said ... "Then why are your glasses dark?"
BUSTED!

WILLIAM: "You were called a perp...that is awesome."
ME: That's nothing ... I've been called a derelict, a wise guy and shorty ... and that was just yesterday.

KaraBeagle: "You know, transitions are pretty much useless in the Pacific Northwest..."
Me: Not so ... I would still need them to see.

Frogs in my formula said...

See now, if he'd tackled you, that would have been Jerry worthy. Don't you see that subconsciously you were trying to inject some Jerry-ish drama in your life?? It makes perfect sense.

(I'm not a trained shrink but I play one in the blogosphere.)

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

I am so sorry I can't stop laughing. Listen hear sunny I am gonna take you down. I was waiting for that line!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

VE said...

Great Joe...hahaha...next time wear an ex-presidents mask and a long overcoat to the bank. This could be a regular challenge...

Malicious Intent said...

wake up! It's cold a shit outside!

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