Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Seven Wonders of Joe


A few days ago I was tagged with a meme by FrogMama of Frogs in My Formula. Usually I avoid these like the plague. Well, not really. I was asked once before and played along. I’m such a pushover. I’m to divulge seven random things about me, Practically Joe.

It’s about time you knew … so here goes.

I always have at least 67 cents in my pocket.
Whenever I leave the house, in my right pocket you would find two quarters, one dime, one nickel and two pennies. Why? I’m not sure.
I don’t always come home with them, so it sometimes makes it difficult the next day to replace them. I tried unsuccessfully one time to get through the day with an extra quarter instead of a nickel after scouring the closet, turning pockets inside out and rifling through my wife’s purse. Couldn’t do it. I had to stop and make change at a local convenience store.

For years, I had to wear a wig.
It was a short hair wig. I wore it during the early seventies. I wore it one weekend a month. I tucked my long hair into a nylon stocking and then under the wig. I wore it until I was ordered by my Lieutenant to remove it from my head. I had to cut my hair that day or end up in National Guard prison.

I’m afraid of giraffes.
I don’t like them. They’re scary. They’re not cute. If you don’t believe me you will have to check this out …
The Truth about Giraffes

I had a heart attack over the telephone.
I was in New York on a business trip.
My wife was home in Massachusetts.
I was feeling ill and retreated to my hotel room. I called my wife to tell her I wasn’t feeling well. She said it sounded like I was having a heart attack. I passed out and had one.
Luckily she had the smarts to hang up and call back to notify the front desk.

I wrote three weekly columns for a newspaper.
One of the columns was about family life. I wrote a lot about my daughters. It was torture for them. They hated that I always wrote stories that caused them embarrassment. I was constantly in the doghouse.
I learned my lesson and now mostly write about my wife.
"Uh-uh honey … For better or for worse."

I have an extraordinary talent of solving word puzzles.
I do quiptoquotes in pen. I should probably work for the government deciphering secret codes. I’m also amazing with word jumbles. I solve them in nanoseconds. Check this out …
ncaphis … spinach
natabylltb … blatantly
pnoanidtesmitp … disappointment
Am I fn great at this or what!

Lastly …

I enjoy getting manicures.
Look … The word “man” is right there in front. If that’s not enough for you, break it down … “manic” and “cures”.
There you go … cures manic. It’s therapeutic.
But, there was this "one" problem. I was running out of salons to go to in the neighborhood. I’d been asked not to return in about 15 different Asian dialects.
I can’t help myself. Once they get to the part where they massage my hands, the first finger they pull I always make a farting noise. Don’t Asian dads play that with their kids? I was having to tip really big to get a second appointment.
I’ve been a record three times to Leilie, my current manicurist. She gets me. When I walk in the door she says to all her fellow workers … “hei tawndah sing-song sing song faw ding-ling bwoooomp”… and they all smile and giggle. Then when the time comes, she announces … ”I pull fingers now.” … and they all join in … ”bwoooomp!”

So there you have it!
I'm practically an average Joe!

27 comments:

Vyolet said...

"Cures manic". Makes perfect sense.
I can't help but wonder what is a pedi and how does one cure it? ;)

Ken said...

TRhat is Effing funny, and the kast one I had tears in my eyes. But I think you could be in the closet there just a bit.

Malicious Intent said...

Ahhh, you have pleased the Goddess and you are no longer on the lightening strike list.

And real men get manicures!

Megan said...

Great list! I think the wig one is my favorite. Hilarious!

Jay said...

Love the wig one! LOL! And I still think giraffes are cute!

Bonnie said...

That must have been a great wig!!!

How about this? silhiurio

Frogs in my formula said...

See? Wasn't that fun? I'm laughing my butt off. You're such a sport. (Really?? A wig??)

catscratch said...

I love the "pull my finger" trick. Apparently the nail women don't dig it so much. :)

I usually have change, but never have any dollars to break into change (always use my debit card)... so where does that change come from??? Mystery.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, you ever see a shrink for all those problems?

Practically Joe said...

Vyolet: "I can't help but wonder what is a pedi and how does one cure it? ;)"
Me: Maybe with ... Pedi Paws pet nail trimmer for fast easy and painless grooming thatyou've seen on tv.

Ken: "I think you could be in the closet there just a bit."
Me:There's nothing wrong with wigs and manicures ... those are "real men" things.

Malicious Intent: "And real men get manicures!"
Me: Yep ... they get them too!
I want to do nothing but please you M.I.

Megan: "Great list! I think the wig one is my favorite."
Me: And to think ... there's so much more ... You just don't know.

Jay: "And I still think giraffes are cute!"
Joe: Sicko!

Bonnie: "How about this? silhiurio
Me: You got me with that one! If there was an "a" in there instead of one of those "i's" it would have been "hilarious"!
No pun intended.

FrogMama: "See? Wasn't that fun?"
Me: Thanks for tagging me. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Catscratch: "so where does that change come from???"
Me: I don't know. Have you been singing in subway stations?

Malach the Merciless: "Wow, you ever see a shrink for all those problems?"
Me: Why waste my money when I have a wife who can tell me what's wrong with me?

scarlet-blue said...

olyprawd.
Sx

Mike said...

Sir, congratulations.

You are almost weirder than me.

moooooog35 said...

I've been kicked out of those places for trying to have them pull other things.

I'm not a proud man.

Heather said...

You wrote columns? No wonder you're so good at this!

Practically Joe said...

scarlet-blue: "olyprawd"
me: blooyusiv

Mike: "You are almost weirder than me"
Me: I do have some catching up to do.

moooooog35: "I've been kicked out of those places for trying to have them pull other things."
me: You need some guidance.
We can get those things pulled off.
Pun intended.

Heather: "You wrote columns? No wonder you're so good at this!"
me: Others might say I sucked at writing columns that's why I'm not good at this.
But thanks.

The Youngest One said...

I for one am glad that the "Lynn City Times" days are over...If I farted the whole city knew about it!
PS You forgot to mention you go tanning too!

Queen Goob said...

That's really Leilie, too, isn't it? Too bad the meme didn't cover eight random facts about Joe; you could have included that you're fluent in Vietnamese.

I see the younger one is paying you back there, Joe!

YEW VEWY FUNNY GUY, POO-POO MAYKA MAN

Practically Joe said...

The Youngest One: "I for one am glad that the "Lynn City Times" days are over...If I farted the whole city knew about it!
PS You forgot to mention you go tanning too!"

Dad: They knew alright!
But not because I had to tell them!
and ...
Thanks for outing me about the tanning.
I've been telling everyone I fly out to Miami for the weekends.

Queen Goob: "I see the younger one is paying you back there, Joe!"
Me: and rightfully so.

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

Great Meme!!! giraffes are wicked scary, thanks for sharing the video. The cent's in your pocket is funny, I think Frank Sinatra used to carry change in his pocket as well, it was stated he wanted to have enough for a phone call. Or something like that I rarely pay attention.

See wife knows best, with the heart attack!

Katie @ 3 Blondes and a Redhead said...

I think all men would like manicures if they tried them. I'm still trying to convince Mike to get a pedicure. He needs it. :)

This may be my first comment here...I've never realized you respond to all of your commenters. Now I'm feeling guilty...

padraig said...

> I learned my lesson and now mostly
> write about my wife. "Uh-uh
> honey … For better or for worse."

This is an important distinction of justice. Your wife agreed to marry you, the kids were conscripted :)

xyu95 said...

were you watching porno movies in the hotel room ? AGAIN

Mike said...

I probably should follow your advice and not write about the daughters but I have way too much fun writing about their misadventures.

Momo Fali said...

The fart noise during the manicure is so juvenile! I think I really like you. A lot.

eroswings said...

The wig thing is hilarious. You should've joined the CIA instead. They appreciate men who are good with disguises and cracking puzzles!

Practically Joe said...

Diva: "giraffes are wicked scary, thanks for sharing the video."
Me: Finally someone who is willing to admit it. I don't know how most say they're still cute even after seeing the evidence.

Katie: "I've never realized you respond to all of your commenters."
Me: All my commenters deserve a response to their comment. That's how I roll.
Well at least for now while I don't have many readers.
Plus ... my comments on their comments add up equal more comments.
That's also how I roll.

padraig: "Your wife agreed to marry you, the kids were conscripted"
me: Yes ... but ... Just like the kids ... she didn't know what she was getting into.

xyu95: "were you watching porno movies in the hotel room ? AGAIN"
me: stop trying to embarress me ... yes I was.

Mike: "I probably should follow your advice and not write about the daughters but I have way too much fun writing about their misadventures."
Me: Living on the edge! I like that!

Momo Fali: "The fart noise during the manicure is so juvenile! I think I really like you. A lot."
Me: So you think the finger thing is funny? Great ... here ... pull my finger.

eroswings: "The wig thing is hilarious.
Me: I left out a part of that story which was just as funny ...
When I was asked to remove the wig ... I was really one of about twenty other soldiers in a room and all of us were wearing wigs.
The hilarious part of this was I never expected any of them except one. We were all shocked looking at each other.
We looked like a huge heavy metal hair band.

B-Dog said...

A secret past as a columnist ... a secret affinity for fart jokes ... Practically Joe just became even more ace in my book.