Wednesday, January 7, 2009

"Good Morning Joe."

"Look, I said don’t put the sauce over the steak, tuck it under it."
"Joe, you’re kidding, right? How do I do that? It’s Chocolate Mousse?"
"No, I mean it! Just do it! Use a pen or a pencil if you need to."
"Joe, the new hostess is dancing on a table."
"Quick, shut down the music!”
"Joe, Prince is pissed we unplugged his guitar."
"Crap! Anyone see my pants?”

Opens eyes.
Rubs eyes.
Yawns.
Looks at the time.
Throws off covers.
Swings legs over side of bed.
Looks around.
Stands up.
Scratches.
Stretches,
More scratches.
Walks into bathroom.
Lifts seat and aims.
More scratching while listening to babbling brook.
Flushes, puts seat down (well trained).
Washes hands, wets face, looks in mirror.
Yawns again … Scratches again.
Picks up eyeglasses from dresser and puts them on.
Like every morning … walks from bedroom across to guestroom to checkout street scene, glimpse at the weather, see if car was stolen.
But … today …
"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEIIIIIKKKKKEEEEESSSSS! OMG! WTFruitcake!"

Visibly shaken.
Picks up phone.
Dials. Hears ring. Hears recording. Presses #2. Presses #1. Waits …
"Pharmacy, How can I help you?"
Still shaking …
"Honey, it’s me. Thanks for the near heart attack."
"Oh, ha ha ha, I forgot to tell you about that. I bought it for Lucia. Sorry."
"Great. Bye."
Click.
Scratch.

Our new 5 foot guest.

26 comments:

Queen B said...

Wow - that borders on Way TMI, but I can see your point about the bear. Those beady eyes look right through you!

nursemyra said...

that's a lot of scratching... have you got psoriasis?

;-)

Megan said...

He's waving at me!

Bee said...

I bet that squeal came out all high pitched and girly.

That is a lot of scratching. I recommend Cortaid and also, where those missing pants buttless?

kylie said...

yes, i was wondering about the scratching, too, nurse myra

only i thought body lice

Leah said...

I thought the scratching was de rigeur for all guys. But that's just in my experience.

And unfortunately, for some reason my computer and/or connection won't let me see the second photo. So I can only guess at the 5 foot guest. Well, maybe it's better that way...

Ken said...

Oh Joe I wondr how you will bear with him in your house? Sorry some one had to do the bad pun and I'm just the guy who can bear it lol
Sorry again bear with me I'm almost done.

catscratch said...

That woulda scared the crap outta me too since it's as tall as I am.

jay said...

Hahahahaha! Fun at your house, isn't it?

Queen Goob said...

So what you're telling us is you walk around your house in nothing but your glasses? No wonder the bear was scared!

Malach the Merciless said...

AHHH, an new sex toy, them are the best!

Frogs in my formula said...

That's an awful lotta scratching Joe. Maybe you should try some Lubriderm?

Um...(heh hehe) I tagged you for a "seven random things" thingie. You don't have to do it but it sure would be a shame to disappoint little ole me. Life is so...very...trying lately. Sigh. Sputter.

just bob said...

I broke my glasses last week. Other than that and the big stuffed bear that pretty much sums up my morning routine.

Vyolet said...

That bear is about an inch or two taller than me at the moment.
I am usually 5 feet and 1/4 inch (size matters to us girls in all kinds of ways) but thanks to the chemo I have shrunk. 4 feet and 10 inches at present.
Bloody cancer!
:)

scarlet-blue said...

Don't worry Joe, I scratch a lot too.
Sx

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

Your wife is awesome I think I might have her train my boys, as I don't like nightly swims!

I love this:
"Lifts seat and aims.
More scratching while listening to babbling brook.
Flushes, puts seat down (well trained)."

I laughed so hard!

Practically Joe said...

nursemyra: "that's a lot of scratching... have you got psoriasis?"
Bee: "That is a lot of scratching. I recommend Cortaid"
Kylie: "yes, i was wondering about the scratching, too, only i thought body lice"
Leah: "I thought the scratching was de rigeur for all guys."
Frogs: "That's an awful lotta scratching Joe. Maybe you should try some Lubriderm?"

me: Okay ... About the scratching.
First let me say I appreciate all the concerns. The scratching is just a way I wake up certain parts of my body ... you know ... to get the blood moving.
Just in case you don't buy that ...

Joe's Doctor: I've examined Joe. He has no lice or any other cooties.
His skin is clean and shows no rashes of any kind.
Aside from being a bit hairy, I find no obvious itching problems.

Joe's better half: Hehe ... anyone know where I can buy more itching powder? I'm almost out.

Practically Joe said...

Queen B: "Wow - that borders on Way TMI"
me: Yep! Up close and personal!

Megan: "He's waving at me!"
me: Impressive that you picked up on that subliminal message.

Ken: "Oh Joe I wonder how you will bear with him in your house?
Sorry some one had to do the bad pun and I'm just the guy who can bear it lol
Sorry again bear with me I'm almost done."

Me: Bare this in mind ... I sure hope so.

Catscratch: "That woulda scared the crap outta me too since it's as tall as I am.
Me: Wow ... I have four inches on you!
Wait ... That didn't sound right.

Malach: "AHHH, an new sex toy, them are the best!"
me: No ... my wife's been around a while now.

Just Bob: "I broke my glasses last week."
Just Me: Sorry to hear that Bob. Want some paper plates?

Vyolet: "That bear is about an inch or two taller than me at the moment.
me: I think there's a whole lot of us little people around here. Keep strong Vyolet.

scarlet-blue: "Don't worry Joe, I scratch a lot too."
me: Oh, how cute! You have sympathy itches for me.

Diva: "Your wife is awesome I think I might have her train my boys, as I don't like nightly swims!"
me: Sorry Diva, you're on your own I'm afraid.
My wife has way too much on her plate molding me.

Mike said...

Damn, your mornings sound a lot like mine, but without the bear interaction. I'm afaird my heart wouldn't take it...

WILLIAM said...

I think I would have peed again if I saw that.

Malicious Intent said...

So a really long night you have little memory of. Those are the best. That photo of you though...maybe all that scratching is from your face melting. Just a guess.

Malicious Intent said...

BTW, where is you award at, posted proudly where all may see. You don't wish to anger the M.I. Goddess do you?

KaraBeagle said...

Ahem, all through the story, I thought you were wearing the wrong person's glasses....took me a while to figure out a bear would scare you. Looks like it's the other way around, poor thing is pale as a sheet!!

Practically Joe said...

Mike: "Damn, your mornings sound a lot like mine"
Me: Are you talking about the sounding like a babbling brook part of the story?

William: "I think I would have peed again if I saw that."
Me:I almost did the "other" thing!

Malicious Intent: "So a really long night you have little memory of. Those are the best."
Me: Yes ... I really love trying to piece those together.

KaraBeagle: "Ahem, all through the story, I thought you were wearing the wrong person's glasses"
Me: Hi Kara ... It's not like that's never happened.

xyu95 said...

is the new waitress a YUMMY?

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