My Left Hand is in Control

It’s time to relax. Dinner is over. The kitchen is cleaned up.
My wife says, "Let’s see what’s on TV!"
I love watching TV. I have three remotes. They drive my wife crazy. Sometimes I hold two remotes at a time. In a minute I’ll tell you why.

We nestle on the couch, ready to surf the channels. In my right hand I brandish a universal control. The universal control is way cool. With a touch of a button it allows me control over four different components. There’s a cable button, a DVD player button, a surround sound button and a TV button. I love all four buttons equally.

"So, what are we gonna watch?", she asks.
Like a maestro, my index finger touches the “TV” button and then a quick move to the right touches the “power” button. Presto! There’s a funny indescribable noise (sort of sounds like a combination boing and blip … a blipoyng) then a blue screen appears.
Isn’t the word “maestro” cool? Don’t you find it as strange as I do, that the letters “ae” in maestro sound like “eye” … as if it were “m-eye-stro” … yet the “ae” in the name Michael sounds like “ah” while the letter “i” in Michael sounds like “eye” … It’s as if the word ‘m-eye-stro” should sound like “m-ah-stro” or the name “M-eye-ch-eye-l” should sound like “M-eye-ch-ah-l”.

Hmmmm? … anyway … she’s now looking at me …
"Wellllllll? What the hell are you thinking about? Turn it on already!"
Next … index finger to “cable” button … then like lightning … again to the “power” button! No noise … but there’s a distinct change of the LCD numbers on the cable box from the time of day to the last channel number viewed. “Awesome!” … I look over to her with a big grin … she turns to me … not impressed. The picture soon appears … Oops! Big Naked Boobies! Big Naked Boobies! … Emergency! Emergency! Ring finger, right hand down 8 buttons over two to the right … press, press … CNN … Safe!
“Phewwww!” … Slowly looking over … Oh-oh … Not a loving look coming back at me … (note to self) Ring finger, right hand needs work … Not fast enough.

"Are you kidding me?”, she says, almost, but not quite under her breath. Looking back at the screen … mouths moving but nobody’s talking.
As if by second nature my index finger hits the “auxiliary” button … then the “power” button … Sound from all around (hence … surround sound).
OK … now we’re ready! Middle finger down to number pad 3-0-1 … HBO … saw it … over two buttons right side … up arrow … 302 … re-run … back to keypad 8-0-4 … “Access Hollywood” … looking over … she’s finally smiling but I just can’t take that celebrity crap … keypad 8-0-7 … “Jeapody” … I know! I know! … "What is Pluto!” … I look over … so proud of myself … "I’m gonna send you to the freekin’ moon in a minute, where you can get a different view of Uranus! Now, change the channel you knit-wit!”
She loves me.

"Okay! Okay! I’ll find us something good."
Time for drastic measures … middle finger … long button … bottom center … the “DVR” button. I love DVR! I record all my favorite shows and watch them later.
There’s a long list … scan down, down again, down further, further … no … up … no back down … further … that’s all I got recorded? … Back up … further … further … “OW!” (as her almost loving slap to the back of my head sent it forward) … “Well, that was uncalled for!", I said.
"That’s it!", she said, ”I’m gonna read the newspaper.”
“No! Wait! Wait”, I pleaded. She sighed. My fingers went back into action.

The last resort … this has gotta work … Index finger up 14 buttons then left to the “On Demand” button. … Oh crap! Where to now? Where to now?
“Movies” button … then “New Movies?” … No they’re $4.99 a pop … “Free Movies”? … OK … “Drama”? … I look over … No smile … “Adventure”? … I look over … Still no smile … “Westerns”? … I don’t bother to look over … Ah here we go … “Romance” … I look over … Finally … a smile … Sorry, I just can’t … over one to “Comedy” … …
“You ass!”, she says, while getting up.
“Left hand!” … “Calling left hand” … "Danger! Danger!"
In my left hand … The DVD remote … Index finger, left hand … Top row … “Play” button … Press … Press … Contact!
Instantly … Granddaughter Lucia’s face fills the screen.
I look over … She sits, cuddles up, and smiles.
With remotes still in each hand … I concede.
I’ll just have to wait a few minutes 'til she falls asleep.