Thursday, May 29, 2008

Guess What's Cookin' ... Me!

“Hi, my name is Joe and I like to tan.”
As far back as I can remember I’ve spent each summer perfecting a tan. At the slightest hint of spring, the race is on to cook myself. I don’t want to be that guy on the beach with the white hairy legs and tanned left driving arm. Even worse, I think I’d rather die then be Mr. Tee Shirt lines.
Attempts to prevent this embarrassment include taking advantage of sunny days in April, laying out in the back yard wearing nothing but swim trunks, socks and a scarf until my goose bumps caused shadowing. Well, I’ve now taken it to a new level.
It’s only May and I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I’m practically tanned. Yep, about 95% of my body is a darker shade of pale. Lord knows I’ve abused myself over the years, but all former vices aside, this is Practically Joe, right now, living on the edge. Despite all the warnings, I have discovered indoor tanning and I’ve done it weekly since last November. My wife went to Florida after Thanksgiving and I went to Tanamania, down the street. At least for a while, we looked like we vacationed together.
So there! I’ve admitted it. I look danger in the eye but I'm the one wearing goggles. Go ahead ... check my eyelids, they're part of the 5% of me not tanned.
Oh, and you should remove your socks, I learned the hard way. It will take my feet and ankles a few more visits to catch up.
So, let me share a few things I’ve learned in case you might ever want to give indoor tanning a try.
I prefer the tanning booth to the tanning bed.
One time using the bed was enough for me. It was like being a burger patty on a George Forman grill.

Plus, there was work involved. You have to spray and wipe down the top and bottom of the bed after each session. You might want to spray it before each session as well. (My apologies to the person who used bed #3 after my session.) I also found it difficult getting in and out of the thing. It’s high off the floor (there should be a step), it’s difficult to close once you’re in it (you pull the lid down but then your arm is bent and because you’re like … in a griddle … you can’t straighten it back down) and you have to be good at sit ups (because once you’re done you can’t grab the top to help yourself out because it comes right back down and you’re laying there again with your bent arm.)

The booth, on the other hand, is quite easy.
Open the door … step in … close the door … undress … tan … open the door again … step out … and you’re done. Oops!! Wait! … open the door … run back in … close the door … get dressed … then open the door … then step out … and your done.
"Crap!!! That was embarrassing ... Now I'm turning red."


Preposterous Ponderings said...

Wouldn't it be much easier to get a tan while skinny dipping at a public pool?

That's the way I always do it anyhow.

nursemyra said...

I find white skin attractive :-)

moooooog35 said...

A darker tan helps hide the melanoma.

Just a helpful tip.

Good luck with that.

PracticallyJoe said...

P Pond ... Love skinny dipping ... but not in Pee

Nurse ... I'm still white in some places

Moo35 ... Thanks ... I was trying not to think about that ... and you sound like my wife

nursemyra said...

good to hear that :-)