Monday, May 12, 2008

The Truth About Giraffes

I just survived the finale of “Survivor Micronesia”.
I was marooned on my couch wearing nothing but my sweat suit and socks. I was also allowed a few personal items.
I had three pillows, two remotes, a phone, a diet coke, a box of crackers, a chicken sandwich, a slice of calzone and some dove chocolates.
I guess you can say I prepared myself well so I wouldn’t need to leave my little island, but I forgot the empty jar and had to give myself a quick bathroom break during one of the commercials. I made it through the entire three hours suffering only from a numb gluteus maximus.

When the program neared its end, viewers were treated to a preview of next season’s Survivor: Gabon – Earth’s Last Eden. Gabon is a West African country where pygmies originated and now is home to The Fang People who are ruled by a man named Bongo. They showed pictures of Gabon, most of them were clips showing large scary animals. I am writing CBS tonight withdrawing my audition tape. I hope it’s not too late.

Wild animals are not my favorite creatures. There, on the TV screen, were surfing hippopotami. Just because the word hippopotami ends in “ami” (excuse my French) doesn’t mean they are friendly. No sir …I’ve learned that the hippopotamus has killed more humans than any other animal. (Just check out the picture of a hippo skull.) And, did you know these fat bastards, could easily outrun a human? (please excuse my French again) I’m not so sure they can’t chase you up a tree either.

I’ve also read there are lots of African frogs there and adult frogs eat other animals smaller than themselves, including other frogs. The Goliath frog can grow to the size of a baby deer! Imagine crossing paths with the biggest of all Goliath frogs. When I croak the last thing I want to hear is a croak and a burp.

And everyone close to me knows that giraffes scare the bejesus out of me. Have you ever seen a more hideous creature? Did you know that when they walk both right legs move forward at the same time, then both left legs? How the hell do they not fall over? Then there is the bizarre neck, the nose-bleed height and those hairy horns. Also, the giraffe has a very, very freakishly long tongue. I think most of the giraffe's tongue is packed neatly into its neck. The giraffe uses its tongue like a monkey uses its tail. Really, it’s called prehensile, look it up! That’s how giraffes swing from treetop to treetop.
And, if you don’t see giraffes as I do, let me leave you with this little film clip.
"Oh, they’re so cute!"

4 comments:

Kali said...

I can't help it. I still think they're cute.

Those big eyes? With the long eyelashes? The (probably) pea-sized brain?

That video just made me think of giant fighting slinkies. Which is also kind of cool...

I have not been converted, sorry!

Practically Joe said...

kali: I can't help it. I still think they're cute.
Me: You think they're cute. You think I'm cute. So now I have something in common with giraffes. Progress!!!

KaraBeagle said...

Looked like two males fighting to me...I've see worse at ball games!!

I'll bet they could do some damage with their feet, eh, like horses can? Are you afraid of horses too? My daughter was leading a young stallion through the mud once and he slipped, flung his head to keep his balance and caught her eyelid with his teeth...she had to have stitches. She still trains horses.

It's chimps and other monkeys I don't like. You can actually get icky parasites from them....

Practically Joe said...

KaraBeagle: "It's chimps and other monkeys I don't like."
Me: See ... Now that I don't get. Chimps and Monkeys are the closest to us humans of all the animal kingdom.
Parasites are nothing.
Look at all the stuff we give each other.

I like horses, even if they do beat up little girls.

Giraffes ... ugh! They are my kryptonite.