Monday, July 7, 2008

Feces Species


“Bzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzz!”
How annoying … there’s a damn fly in this room and it keeps buzzing around my head. There are plenty of lights on in the room. Don’t they like the light? Isn’t that what attracts them? It looks like a common housefly. I think it’s a bit crazy. Can flies be crazy?
“Bzzzzzz! Bzzz! Bzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzz”
I’ve been swatting at the little rascal for over an hour now.
I shut off the lights closest to me. My strategy was to have it wander to the houseplant sitting across the room under the only light still turned on.
“Housefly, meet houseplant … houseplant, this is housefly. Why don’t you guys hang out a while?”
I figured, both their first names are “house” … why wouldn’t they immediately connect? Besides, doesn’t this fly get the idea I’m trying to lay some hurt on it, swatting at it like a madman? Does it actually think I’m happy to see it as it watches me waving excitedly? I really just want it to leave me alone.
“Bzz! Bzzz! Bzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzz! Bzz!”
So far I’ve thrown a book at it, sending my cell phone for a ride. Then, when Buzz (Yeah, I named it.) landed on my corkboard, I used a pencil as a javelin trying to nail the little bastard but instead, knocked over a picture on my desk. I’ve even taken off my tee shirt and swung at it rocketing my router off my computer tower and then toppled a half full can of soda onto the floor. Now I have sticky feet. (Not to be confused with “stinky feet” which I also have.)
“Bzz! Bzzz! Bzzzzz! Bzz Bzzz Bzzzz! Bzz!”
Just as I was about to use a can of aerosol spray as a flamethrower I saw the most unusual thing. The fly ascended to the ceiling and just sat there, upside down. How the hell did it do that? I wasn’t sure I saw the actual move Buzz made to get upside down. It was flying right side up but then suddenly it was upside down … and landed.
I had to research this.
Come along with me …
“Aaallllll aboard! My Brain Train is pulling out of the station!”
Let’s see … Google, Lycos … hmmm … Ask.com … Okay. (Click.)
Housefly: well-known cosmopolitan pest of both farm and home. This species is always found in association with humans or activities of humans. Well this is nothing new except I never thought of Buzz as a “species” or at a farm. But I guess that sounds right, although, the farm-fly we’re talking about here is probably the “horsefly” and I guess we call that one the “horse feces species”. (Click.)
What’s this picture link? (Click.) Wow! Look at these things. Colorful ones … hairy ones … big ones … little ones … hmmm … click on this and … “bad info leads to wrong house and bullets fly.” Okay, not what I was looking for. “Shoe fly?” … No … but “Shoo fly” I’d probably check out. (Click.)
Wait! flies in Vasoline! … One of my favorite Stone Temple Pilot songs . (Click.)
Oh yeah! Crank this baby up. Awesome!
(Then from somewhere upstairs …)
“Joe, Joooooooooooeee!!!”
“Huh?? Wha??? (to myself … Lower the music, quick, lower the music!) … Yes dear, what’s wrong?”
“Joe, please don’t play that so loud … and there’s a freakin’ fly buzzing around me up here, will you help me take care of it?”
(Smile)


*Be sure to visit other Brain Train Stations links.

14 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

So the moral of the story is?

And who won? You or the fly?

I have visions of a normally peaceful man hunting down a fly. (In some strange way reminds me of the guy trying to hunt down the groundhog in Caddy Shack.)
Were explosives used?

Malicious Intent said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Heather said...

It's called a "flyswatter". Flat plastic square thing attached to a long stick. They work on people too.

Practically Joe said...

Malicious: So the moral of the story is?
Me: Sometimes you try hard and fail ... Other times you're oblivious and succeed.

Heather: It's called a "flyswatter". Flat plastic square thing attached to a long stick. They work on people too.
Me: Oh yeah! That thing my wife and I keep in our "fun" draw. Didn't think of that!

Dorky Dad said...

Get a machine gun. That'll take care of your fly problem in no time. It'll also take care of your "my-house-isn't-damaged-enough" problem, too.

Bogart in P Towne said...

Love the flow...I often find myself at YouTube watching video when I really wanted to be doing something else.

catscratch diva said...

My greatest pet peeve... a friggin fly.

nursemyra said...

I think it's your pheromones that the fly is finding so irresistable

:-)

Practically Joe said...

Dorky Dad: Get a machine gun. That'll take care of your fly problem in no time.
Me: A machine gun? A gun that shoots out machines? Yep! I think I can get it with that.

Bogart: I often find myself at YouTube watching video when I really wanted to be doing something else.
Me: What? oh ... Sorry ... I was just watching a scene from Casablanca when Bogart says ... "Here's looking at you, kid." ... Why was I watching that? I don't know. So, where was I? Oh yeah ... You were commenting? ...

Diva: My greatest pet peeve... a friggin fly.
Me: Sorry I brought it up ... but I'd like to be a fly on the wall watching you deal with one ... Ummm ... no wait ... on second thought ...

Nursie: I think it's your pheromones that the fly is finding so irresistable
Me: You may be right ... I have been abscent-mindedly leaving my fly open these days.

nursemyra said...

does that work for you in other ways too?

kyknoord said...

I'm sure if you translate "Bzz! Bzzz! Bzzzzz! Bzz Bzzz Bzzzz! Bzz!", you'll find it means "Help me! Help meeeeee!" (Incidentally, I named my fly Beelzebub)

Anonymous said...

You guys are so silly. All this fuss over this fly. Didn't any of you see the Karate Kid?

Chopsticks will take care of that problem.

Heather said...

Hey Joe, I left something for you over at my blog. Check it out when you got a minute!

Practically Joe said...

Nursie: does leaving your fly open work for you in other ways too?"
Me: It attracts many to point and laugh.

Anon: All this fuss over this fly. Didn't any of you see the Karate Kid? Chopsticks will take care of that problem.
Me: I don't remember that movie ... Did he play the piano?

Heather: Hey Joe, I left something for you over at my blog. Check it out when you got a minute!
Me: Oh, Thank you Heather ... for my first blogging award.