Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Pain Killer or Killer Pain

I guess for the longest time I was lucky.
For many years I lived without much physical pain.
My recent incident with a ladder disrupted that run.

A few Sundays ago … Pain said …
"Hello, Joe. Where have you been?"
Since then pain’s been like an unwelcomed guest who just won’t leave.
I’ve tried to be subtle.
"Honey, is it time for my pill yet?"
I tried being stern.
"OMG! What the hell did I do to deserve this pain? Kill me now!"

I never imagined what broken ribs would feel like.
At first it hurt when I took deep breaths, made a sudden movement or reached too high to grab the potato chips off the top shelf in the cabinet.
I was uncomfortable lying down on the bed so I had to sleep upright on the couch.
It was painful when I had to pee. Let me elaborate on that a bit. The actual peeing didn’t hurt but getting up from the couch to get to the bathroom did.

My biggest problem was not the broken ribs or the other bodily bruises resulting from my fall. The excruciating pain I had to deal with was caused by a stupid cough that developed … the next day.
Pain said …
"Hey, Joe. Let’s not waste those narcotics the hospital gave you … TAKE THIS!"
(… then suddenly in my throat) … Pain tickled me.
"Cough."
"Yeeeeeeow! $%#!&"
"Cough. Cough."
"Ohhhhhhh! Mutha-fudger! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

This went on for a week.
I think I broke a couple of ribs on my other side trying not to cough.

I would feel Pain start to tickle.
I’d hold my breath. I’d brace myself.
My wife readied herself as well. I think that each time I coughed she covered her eyes.
"Joe, hold a pillow. It will help!"
"Sweetie, I’ve got the damn pillow, it’s between me and the wall I’m running into. Damn! I can’t hold it any longer!"
"Cough."
"Ohhhhhhh! Fuque me! Ow! Eye-yie-eye!"
"Cough."
"Crap! Huff-huff-huff. Yikes! Jesus Christmas! Ow!"

Finally the cough has subsided.
Maybe now my ribs could finally heal.
Thank God I never had to sneeze!
Amen.

26 comments:

Ameratis said...

all I can say is Bless Your Heart...and ribs! Hope it heals soon :)

beeeeeeeee said...

Oh wow - so sorry. That sounds terrible. I hope you are on the mend.

MadWoman said...

Ahhh, been there....and it sucks royally! All I can say is don't be watching any funny movies!

"Hahahaha OW!!!"

Good Burp said...

I feel so sorry for you as I laugh. Because I am sure that would hurt you as well.
A beer and a pill will make everything better.

Ken said...

Joe, Joe ,Joe. You have to have a few good sneezes on there it will make a man out of you and have a friend that doesn't know about your ribs come slap you on your back. I think everyone should have to go through that...lol I did. but really joe you should do it with out pain oills. I really think the make the pain worse when you out of them. I never take pain pills. And I am way ahead of you on the bone count! you can do it come on!!


No really get well soon and tell Mr. pain to take a effing hike!

just bob said...

Dude that story hurts just to read it. I hope things are getting better.

just bob

Jay said...

Aaaaah .. poor you! As if broken ribs isn't enough pain! :(

I have a feeling I may be joining you in that colourful song you're singing. I'm in the hospital now, waiting to go up to theatre to get my shoulder repaired and yes, I can feel the beginnings of a sore throat and I'm starting to sneeze.

The admissions nurse said cheerfully 'You won't get out of it that easily' and the anaesthetist said 'As long as it's not on your chest..' But what they don't think about is how much it's going to fuquing hurt (I love that spelling!) coughing and sneezing after they've sliced my shoulder open, yanked all my tendons around and screwed pins into my bone to stitch the to.

Ah, well. At least I have a hospital with internet access. ;)

I hope you heal fast now you've stopped coughing!

xyu95 said...

Joe, those are Motrin 800's. far cry from real pain meds. dr longfingers really screwed you this time around. let me try and find you a cute petit one. will e mail you pics

:)

moooooog35 said...

I have some Vicoden and Oxycontin left over from my vasectomy and shoulder surgery if you're interest..

..um...

..nevermind...I think I just committed a felony.

Mike said...

get drunk and stay that way... really, it'll help.

Heather said...

Oh, Joe, how did you manage to make that sound funny?

Mike said...

Might want to stay away from the funny blogs. Laughter could be harmful to your health...

mumma boo said...

You do know, of course, that you've just tempted fate by saying you never had to sneeze, right?

Feel better soon! And thanks for stopping by - maybe the Milanos will help!

scarlet-blue said...

Get well soon Joe. Ladder incident and manflu... Goodness me...
Sx

Leah said...

Oh lord. I hope you're feeling better soon.

I've had hideous pain--childbirth springs to mind--but worse even was a toothache I once had. Worse than childbirth! Really! So when people say childbirth is the worst pain ever, I don't buy it. I bet sneezing with broken ribs gives birth a run for its money too.

Leah said...

I meant, coughing. Well, either one really.

nursemyra said...

glad you're finally on the mend

catscratch said...

I'm hoping you're back to 100% in a jiff!!!

Cece said...

So has your wife decided to get you back after all of these years and torture you in your sleep by tickling you. I bet laughter hurts like hell. Oh crap, I didn't give her any ideas did I?

Frogs in my formula said...

Get better ya hear?

Dark Angel said...

If i didnt know any better, I'd say you were having too much fun! Get well soon!

Practically Joe said...

Ameratis: "all I can say is Bless Your Heart...and ribs! Hope it heals soon :)"
beeeeeeeee: "Oh wow - so sorry. That sounds terrible. I hope you are on the mend."
just bob: "Dude that story hurts just to read it. I hope things are getting better."
nursemyra: "glad you're finally on the mend"
catscratch: "I'm hoping you're back to 100% in a jiff!!!"
frogs: "Get better ya hear?"
Me: Thank you all for wishing me back to health.
I am feeling a lot better.
I'm back to work and almost as good as new ... except for the pain.

Practically Joe said...

MadWoman: "Ahhh, been there....and it sucks royally! All I can say is don't be watching any funny movies!"
me: I watched a lot of TV while I was laid up. Most of it I don't remember due to the pills.
It did hurt when I laughed but I don't think I laughed until more than a week after.

good burp: "A beer and a pill will make everything better.
me: I needed a beer and a pill after I got the bill for the ambulance ride.

Ken: "And I am way ahead of you on the bone count!
me: Just how many bones have you broken?

Jay: "I have a feeling I may be joining you in that colourful song you're singing. I'm in the hospital now, waiting to go up to theatre to get my shoulder repaired
me: Jay ... I hope all went well with your surgery. Lets moan together.

Practically Joe said...

xyu95: "Joe, those are Motrin 800's. far cry from real pain meds. dr longfingers really screwed you this time around. let me try and find you a cute petit one. will e mail you pics"
me: Thanks for the pic ... there are some pretty doctors there. But I just can't picture a sweet young lady doctor checking my prostate.

moooooog35: "I have some Vicoden and Oxycontin left over from my vasectomy and shoulder surgery if you're interest..
..um...
..nevermind...I think I just committed a felony.

me: You are too friggin funny! Thanks ... it hurt when you made me laugh. Now hand over the Vicoden and say your sorry.

Mike: "get drunk and stay that way... really, it'll help.
me: It helped tonight.

heather: "Oh, Joe, how did you manage to make that sound funny?
me: It wasn't easy. I do crack myself up.

Practically Joe said...

Mike: "Might want to stay away from the funny blogs. Laughter could be harmful to your health..."
me: Reading them isn't so bad ... it's when I try to type a reply when it hurts.

mumma boo "You do know, of course, that you've just tempted fate by saying you never had to sneeze, right?
me: Let me tell you ... I had my first sneeze yesterday.
Jeez Marie did that hurt!

scarlet-blue: "Ladder incident and manflu... Goodness me...
me: The things a man must do for attention.

Leah: "I've had hideous pain--childbirth springs to mind--but worse even was a toothache I once had.
me: I hope I never feel childbirth ... oh wait ... I can't!

CeCe: "So has your wife decided to get you back after all of these years and torture you in your sleep by tickling you."
me: Are you kidding me? She's exhausted listening to my moaning and groaning.

Dark Angel: "If i didnt know any better, I'd say you were having too much fun!
me: Yep ... My whole world is a barrel of laughs.

RhondaLue said...

Joe I'm glad you were specific about why it hurt to go pee. I was concerned that perhaps there was a "rib bone connected to the-----pee bone" that I'd never heard about!

:( sorry for the pain....I have an area giving me a big owie too and every time I cough, sneeze or laugh I hurt. Thankfully a surgery should fix me up but it's an owie all the same.